Iceland
Euroband (see what they've done there): This is my life
Gay Eurotrash. Excellent. Then a busty blonde with a toosmall tree fungus dress, accessorised with a belt from Primark, comes on and ruines it all.

Sweden
Charlotte Perelli: Hero
costume: tinsel. She's also probably a man. And has had her forehead surgically extended. Song is completely, totally, anodyne. No props, boring backers. Where is the show I ask you? Where?

Turkey
A band whose name escapes me and I am too unbothered to look it up: Deli. Which means crazy.
Nice eyebrow wax dudes. The hopping blond one is funny. The others are trying to be hard yet blingy. Fail. Give me props! Give me ace costumes! Top marks for singing in Turkish, but so far Iceland is a favourite.

Ukraine
Ani Lorak: Shady Lady
More fecking tinsel. Only less of it. Fake titties. Liking the background dancing - RESPECT for gymnastics. WHY is she wearing a metal brace round her upper arm? OMG earrings??? She blatantly stole a christmas tree ornament. At the moment when the key change seems inevitable, she doesn't do it. Boo.

Lithuania
Jeronimas Milius: Nomads in the Night
Listen up. Only Slash can wear leather trousers. Only slash gets away with it. Some emo weirdo with unconditioned hair and five 2'' rings canNOT. Nice voice, the song is pants. Wanky guitar solo.

Albania
Olta Bok: Some complicated song title.
16 years old, looks about thirty though. Sorry. Monochrome costume which is, frankly, shit. Essentially, a pair of black trousers and a tablecloth. She's out of tune and is singing something that sounds suspiciously like Desert Rose, but that might just be the pitch (curse perfect pitch). Nice gesturing and mimics, going to make mental notes for my audition
YES! A key change. Finally.

Switzerland
Paolo Meneguzzi: era stupendo
More SHIT emo weepy piano. Singing in Italian does not make you eros Ramazzotti (not that anyone should aim for that). Yet again black costumes. Well, a suit. Ohhhh pyrotechnics! And a funky beat. The backing ladies are wearing quite snazzy jumpsuits.

Czech Rep
Tereza: Have some fun
Now this is more like it. Dancers in silver, plenty of tinsel, bad hair extensions, atrocious song. "If you wanna have some fun, go around". Right. A pimp in a hoodie is waving from behind and pretends to be scratching. A completely extraneous key change from nowhere - kudos to her for hitting the note. More pyrotechnics.

Belarus
Ruslan Alehno: Hasta la Vista
Greek waiter. Tinfoil clad dancers. Boring.

Latvia
Pirates of the sea (as opposed to those of the land): Wolves of the sea
YESS! Pirate costumes, a steering wheel, makeup. And a pounding pounding eurobeat. This is my favourite so far. Even the dance routine is quite pleasing.

Croatia
Krajelwi Ulice & 75 cents: Random title
Grandad sings in Croatian. Middle aged man sings in Croatian. Lady in red is dancing like a doll. Grandad comes out and shouts that he forgot about the internet. starts meddling with a gramophone. Wtf?

Bulgaria
Deepzone and Balthasar: DJ, take me away
Yeah DJ, please do. Before I get an epileptic fit. Some really daft genre mixing that just does NOT work. Her red metal dress is impressive. Vague gymnasticky capoeira style stuff in the background can't detract from the red shininess.

Denmark
Simon Mathew: all night long
Some guy in a dodgy hat wails "I'm feeling great" into the mike. Not convincing me. Note: If your beard is somewhat sparse, it's usually more dignified just to shave. And stop MINCING ffs. Key change is almost appropriate. The guy at the keyboard clearly got bumraped just before going on stage.

Georgia
Diana Gurstkaya: Peace will come
She's blind. Since this, however, isn't Paravision 2008, she won't get brownie points for it, sorry. She doesn't really need them anyway as the song is actually decent. Ish. A bit Garbage.
Clearly there was a concerted effort to make the background singers look shit. Dresses without shape made out of crappy fabric and not ironed.

Hungary
Csezy: Candlelight
Disney sound. Then an abrupt key change. I slow danced to this type of song when I was 12. That was in 1993. You get the idea. The woman's dress is ok. No show, no dancing, nothing. Tsk.

Malta
Morena: Vodka
I like the title. The dance routine is ace. I want the ladies silver boots. Much shouting of Nazdorov'e. Costumes silver and black. Yawn. She basically shouts 'vodka' a lot. Out of tune. Maybe a move to win some of the all essential Eastern European votes.

Cyprus
Kari Evdokia: Femme Fatale
The title promises a lot and doesn't deliver. Plinky plonky instrumentals and she is wearing a silver neck brace. Which she proceeds to throw off to reveal some orange fringing held together with the Icelandic entry's Primark belt. The song is pretty boring.

F.Y.R. Macedonia
Tamara, Vrczak and Adrijan: Let me love you.
Aviators, faketan and an undone waistcoat. Then a woman in a really boring ill fitting black dress and a haircut my aunt would have sported in the 1970s comes on and warbles around a bit. Boring.

Portugal
Vania Fernandes: Senora do mar
please can it be a mermaid! Apparently not. Lady is wearing a massive black dress. I'm waiting for some semblance of a beat and the black curtain to come off. No. Goes into a melodramatic yet boring chorus. The backing singers are wearing NHS sheets. The wind machine messes around with that a bit.